A Grand Time
Everyone benefits from a positive relationship between grandfather and grandchild, says Tatyana Leonov.
Watching my father with my daughter is one of life’s simpler pleasures, and at the same time it’s profoundly moving. I watch her sing and dance for him. When they read books together, she burrows herself under his arms. And when she climbs onto a seat to bellow out “Aaaaa”, he knows she’s mimicking Elsa from the film Frozen and tells her she sounds just like Elsa.
My daughter is fortunate to have two more grandads – my husband’s father and stepfather – who both also play a significant role in her life. They, too, sing and dance with her. And I’m sure they’d dress up as Elsa as well … if circumstances required.
It’s widely recognised that when grandparents and grandkids spend time together, everybody reaps the rewards. On the surface, parents gain time to tend to other tasks or other children, but on a deeper level, the grandkids and grandparents enrich each other’s lives.
Studies show grandparents who look after their grandchildren live longer and are more mentally alert than the same-age adults who don’t care for grandchildren. Other research points to increased happiness and wellbeing in both grandchildren and grandparents.
Julie Sweet, psychotherapist and managing director at Sydney’s Seaway Counselling and Psychotherapy, which provides trauma-informed therapy for individuals, explains that, although the role of the grandfather has changed over generations, the outcome of time spent together is the same.
“Children thrive in an environment where they have other caregivers in addition to their primary ones,” she explains. “Apart from parents, role models can include an aunty, a mentor, a positive influence of extended family, or a grandparent. It’s what’s known as a village.”
The tribe mentality is something that’s been left behind, in a sense, as society has modernised. It’s not common in Australia for married adult children to live with their parents, and often adult children move to distant suburbs and cities. It’s no surprise that grandparents might see grandchildren less than they typically did in previous generations.
But while parents may be living further away from their parents, they are also working longer hours. Consequently, this opens a door for grandparents to step in.
“Grandfathers who see and hear their grandchildren, validating fears and reinforcing love, can be an anchor,” Sweet says. “The relationship between grandfathers and grandchildren can be a sacred tie that develops in infancy and spans generations.”
As a child, I spent many afternoons with both sets of grandparents after school. My father’s father would have wafer biscuits and trifle ready for my siblings and me. My mother’s father loved reading to us; as the years passed, the books became more thrilling.
Both of my grandfathers, however, took the lead from their partners. The grandmothers were the arbiters of how much candy and when, and of which books were appropriate.
Today, grandfathers play a more prominent role in the grandparent-grandchild relationship. They change nappies, cook dinners, focus on play. “Nothing beats a grandfather who isn’t afraid to be a kid themselves when with their grandchild,” Sweet says.
A 2012 Norwegian study looked at grandparental gender and involvement with grandchildren and found that grandfathers become more involved with their grandchildren as they aged. “The study found that, past the age of 70, grandfathers generally took the lead in care-giving for grandchildren,” Sweet explains. “However, it must be said that their partner participated in providing care alongside them.”
Grandfathers today might be older (and arguably wiser), but perhaps this is an advantage. With working life behind them and more free time on their hands, there’s nowhere to rush to. And perhaps no better place to be.
